*** Chen's POV ***
What makes a heart flutter?
A question I can't seem to answer while placing my right arm on top of the table, tapping my fingers on the table, and placing my left arm, digging the surface with my elbow and my chin on my wrist.
If you’re like most people, you would believe what they’re saying about love. If you ask doctors, they would say, “any person would think having heart problems because their chest feeling tight and increasing heart rate.” They say falling in love feels the same. It’s a strong emotion toward a certain person or a thing you value.
For a person like me, who does everything either too intensely or too passively, it’s almost impossible to find someone matching for me; someone who could handle me. It's either black or white. Not even having an active sexual lifestyle—with different married women all for the sake of thrill—can compensate for that feeling. I don’t there is such thing as a middle ground of things. But I find it funny to be in relationships full of “what ifs.” There are certainly no guarantees, no love.
The table's location gives me a good view of the coming students who sit with their friends, laughing and talking and gossiping mundane stories about their daily lives while eating their delicious meals. Like my friends beside me, who have been on blind dates lately, stalk various women on the internet on their mobile devices, giggling and their faces flushing.
How pathetic. I roll my eyes and scoff to think they search for an abstract thing. Love is intangible, and I know I will never have a chance to feel it. Maybe, I had—but I couldn't remember anymore. While my eyes are busy with the people coming in and out of the canteen, I suddenly think of the first girl I kissed when I was a nine-year-old boy.
Perhaps that was love?
I shake my head, no, it wasn't but a stupid self-obligation to taste a girl's lips and satisfy my primal craving. Then, I sip my orange juice and press my lips.
"Can you guys stop that? You look like pathetic perverts," Jun sputters while slapping the back of their heads.
"Come on, Jun. We're not like Chen. We don't have his face to attract women in one wink." The man beside him clucks in response as he continues scrolling the screen. Their giggles start to annoy me.
"Speaking of women, how was Louisa?" Jun leans his torso toward me, holding a bottle of water half-empty. He smiles with malice.
I sigh. "Nothing special. She starts to get boring, Jun."
"What can you expect from a married woman? Loyalty to you than their husbands? Fresh as a middle school girl?" Jun giggles and tilts the bottle to drink. "You must know what kind of trouble you're getting into. You know they're all married, Chen. MARRIED. If not, engaged. You’re ruining even the perfect couples out there. But instead of feeling sorry, here you are, taking advantage of their need for affection their partners can't satisfy.” He pulls himself away, grabs a drink, turns his head, rolls his eyes, and shakes his head before his eyes return to staring at me with concern and frustration. “As if you know how to give affection."
"Whatever they need from me, affection or sex, I don't care, Jun. To me, they're all desperate women thirsty for a slice of fresh meat. They're a bunch of bitches in my eyes flocking around my thing. If their relationship goes off because of their selfishness, that's not my problem either."
"But what if you were in their shoes? What if the person you love will play you like a toy?"
I snort. "As if I'm naive to that, Jun. Sorry to disappoint you, but it already happened to me." My tone becomes sarcastic. Jun smiles to show he's adamant about his remark. As if he doesn't mean anything mean to what he blurted out. Flabbergasted, I drink to calm the uneasiness inside me and cluck. "Women are toys, Jun. That's why I'm playing them, right?"
I fold my arm to press my head and comb my hair backward. I cluck and stretch my back to stand. Yet the boredom halts when a strange guy enters the cafeteria along with his friends—his bandmates. My eyebrow raises as I tent my finger and drink the last sip of my orange juice. For whatever mysterious reason, my eyes seem latched on that someone while following their trail until they sit on one of the vacant tables on the other side of the cafeteria. A few tables away from us.
I release a sigh and slightly tilt my head. Jun notices and taps my shoulder. Then, I look at him. "What?" Without saying anything, his smile means a lot. He flicks his head in the other band's direction. "Yeah, I know," I say in a baritone. "I've noticed them before."
"Isn't it ironic? Your life is in a mess but you love ballads." He swivels his head. "Look at that guy over there. He looks like a thug and loves rock music. But he does have a decent life. Unlike you." I take a breath in and purse my lips to force my agreement.
Without noticing it, my eyes can't let go of its sight to that guy. There's something on him that makes me a tickle. I don't know what that is because he smells boredom, though young and beautiful girls flock around him, too. While I find myself staring at him, I freeze when he turns his head and stares back. What the fuck are you looking at? While shaking my head, I roll my eyes and scoff instinctively.
My soul leaps back as if threatened and almost recoil in my seat. He raises his eyebrow and quickly turns to his friends to talk. Although he doesn't look at me anymore, I couldn't seem to let go. My chest suddenly feels tighter, and my eyebrows are almost one. What is this? What the fuck is this?
Unable to handle the increasingly intensifying frustration, feeling disturbed, I push myself up to stand and release a sigh. Unbelievable. What’s wrong with this man? I scoff and shake my head a little bit, dumbfounded.
"Where are you going?" Jun asks.
"I'm going to have a smoke." Yes, I want that so badly that I can flip this table and scream in front of you. Every petty thing becomes too annoying for me to handle. I couldn't take this anymore. I need to puff at least a stick or else—
"Fine." Before I take a few steps away from the table, he adds. "Just make sure you appear in our practice later, okay?" I nod without saying a word and walk towards the exit. I dig my hands inside the pockets of my denim while I pass to the other band's table.
Though I try my best not to make a scene, that guy's stare bothers me. What’s more unfortunate is having to stop by their table to head towards the exit. As I expected, it caused some attention not only to our groups but to everyone in the cafeteria. Their eyes, including the others—their fans I believe—try to intimidate me. However, his glowering brown eyes caught me.
A promising read, weldone
What a writing, it was really great 👍