Your Chapter 1 Won’t Always Be the First Chapter

Just because you have a dark past doesn't mean you won't have a bright future.

September 3rd. I began writing the third draft of my upcoming book, and until now, I haven’t had a final title. Haha! :) But it doesn’t matter now. Because first and foremost, at this stage, my concern involves the story’s development. Until that’s fixed, I won’t be too involved with the rest of the tasks, like grammar.

So what’s in it for you? 🤔

As a writer, thinking of producing a quality first draft is unnecessary. Until you have produced a finished manuscript, your first draft, assuming that you’ve given your best in it (which I know you do, you always do), you can’t guarantee that everything you’ve written there will come out on the second, third, etc.

With that said, your Chapter 1 won’t always be the first chapter.

Overcoming fear of blank page

When I began writing my 3rd draft, one of the first things that caught my attention was the rising emotions in my chest as soon as I sat down with the finished manuscript (2nd draft)—intense emotions fueled by my Scorpio moon.

You know, the usual: anxiety, fearing the future and potential sabotage; imposter syndrome, feeling so unable, thinking I couldn’t do the job right; procrastination, avoiding the task to improve the story just as I’ve imagined it; burnout, overwhelmed by everything, feeling hopelessness in-between.

If you can relate, let me know in the comment section below. 🙂

As a Scorpio moon, I tried not to drown myself with the Yang energy to keep myself balanced and grounded. Knowing that Scorpio is ruled by Mars, alongside Pluto (co-ruler), balancing these primordial forces—the impulse to do and achieve things now vs. wait until everything settles—has been a challenge, to be honest.

Even after years of self-study and shadow work, the depths Pluto hides from the surface are unmeasurable, and Mars’ impulsive energy can drive me crazy and violent. When combined, I am emotionally violent if I miss the signs and suppress the anticipation.

As a bearer of this energy, it is hard for me to balance both primal forces within me. But I need to because it’s a choice I made, not only as a writer but as a person.

With all these playing in the background, rewriting my book doesn’t only require me to rewrite the whole manuscript—as is. It’s rewriting the possibly distorted psychology and the potentially spiritual awakening involved in a specific project.

If that makes sense, several things come into play, coming from all directions (physical, emotional, spiritual, emotional, psychological). They arrive in all directions. Imagine being attacked by a group of something you don’t even see or hear in your naked senses. But they feel real.

It could be anything from tangible, physical insights I see on the street to intrusive, emotionally driven thoughts screaming underneath my skull while washing dishes, from spiritual lessons I learn from the book I’m reading to psychological understanding of ‘Self’ through writing my journal entries.

Each will come to me, as I call them, the “Insight Vials,” wherein each vial contains something—a lesson, experience, or insight. It is then my job to extract the information within the substance of each vial, which is then studied and becomes an applied practice in either personal or professional life.

Actual work involved in writing drafts

Physically, I anticipate months of continuous writing, requiring me hours (usually mornings) to complete. This requires me to be disciplined to wake up each morning at around 7, then do my routines, e.g., make coffee, stare into the empty distance, and wait until my senses are fully awake.

When writing, I don’t pressure myself to write because I know a beat could be done in a day if I want to. Sometimes, a chapter takes a week if I’m not in the mood; it also depends on the revisions for that specific chapter. If inspiration peaks, I can finish a chapter in two days. If I have to, I write in between the day if my day’s packed, fully loaded, and unapologetically.

Emotionally, preparing for unexpected changes is a must on my desk to allow fluid writing (my philosophy). In real life, I learned that providing that space for spontaneity helps a lot in easing my anxiety.

Studying astrology taught me the actual root cause of my paralytic anxiety is the ongoing misalignment of how I actually function in daily life versus the expectations I have in mind.

For instance, astrology taught me that my Cancer signature implies a need for a slow approach in life. As a Sagittarius Sun, Aquarius Rising person, delaying things in any form is itchy and uncomfortable because these energies need to relieve the ‘Now.’ Waiting and testing patience are sores they don’t want to have.

However, my Scorpio Moon (Waning) requires me to be more reflective and introspective in my decisions, big and small, necessary to less important. My system doesn’t allow impulse to come over unless required to achieve a specific goal—already thought-of, calculated impulse, if you will.

Now, on my desk, this includes the possibility of writing a new scene, adding/removing a beat, or deleting an entire scene or chapter to insert a new one. These are daunting tasks, especially for beginners. Because you’ve given your all in the first draft. Now, you’re about to rip it apart to make it better.

The pain is there. I know. I understand that feeling to the bone. But it’s required. To polish it, to make it better.

“Expecting a perfectly written manuscript when you have completed your first draft is bullshit. It is non-essential to berate yourself when you’ve done something most people can’t. 💪

You have written and completed the book. Period.

That is already an accomplishment in itself, and it is worth celebrating. So, don’t beat yourself up because you still have editing to work on.

[Excerpt from my new book, “Essentialism in Self-Publishing”]

If you’ve watched my video, I explained how this approach allowed me to complete three manuscripts in a year. It sounds counterproductive today, but the results don’t lie to me. I finished a lot without compromising the ‘Wow’ factor despite the chaotic RL I have at this point.

So far, with my ongoing 3rd draft, I’ve already deleted paragraphs of beats from several chapters. My most extensive work was writing an entire first chapter for “Dr. Clay,” a temporary title. Click the link above to watch the video and see how I wrote and completed the new first chapter.

Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on TikTok, FB, IG, and LinkedIn for updates. 🎉

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Completing a draft takes a toll. Period.

The discipline in itself requires spiritual support because, in my case, I’m a pantser. I don’t plan my stories because I rely on intuition to develop characters and plots.

When rewriting, I use Mark Travis’s autobiographical techniques to draw out interesting and unique stories from each character I create. (Let me know in the comment section if this is a topic you would like me to write about. 👍)

I’m basically writing stories from scratch without any plan, and I could see myself panicking while staring at the blank page. If I had asked myself to do the same years ago, I would.

But now, I mean these days, no. I don’t fear the blank page anymore. I feel excited instead. On the blank page, I am free to use anything, alchemize something out of nothing. The freedom it gives me is potent enough to break free from those restrictive walls, allowing me to touch those painful memories without feeling accused, guilty, shamed, etc.

Fear of failing & being seen as failing.

I know the answer, and so do you. Fear. Fear of rejection, to fail, to be seen failing. The embarrassment and humiliation. Gosh, the list could go on for future excuses. Because of this fear, we control. Self-control, controlling others, life, etc. Control. Period. Simple.

As an analyzer, over-analyzer, I focused on planning—I mean, overplanning it for years—instead of taking action to promote whatever I was creating. I mastered the art of starting things but never finishing them…

I have unpublished manuscripts that have been shelved for years, left untouched until recently, when I finally faced my fear.

[Excerpt from my book, “Essentialism in Self-Publishing,” Click here to get a copy]

Growing up in a solid Saturnian household (with two Capricorn Sun parents), fear and control have always led my life. For peace and order. Structure and organization. Yet, the strength I earned from this household wasn’t enough to prepare me to welcome dark chapters coming straight at me like a bullet train in my 20s.

Anyway, this is what I learned after years of examining my life, which I then apply to my writing. My extreme fear of being seen as failing had unknowingly blocked me from moving forward as an adult, resulting in the creation of Leslie, the main character of my first novella, “My Name is Pepper.” Click here to learn more.

“Everything had been too much lately. It was so much she barely had the time to breathe, let alone meet friends and hang out with them. Though proud of what she’d accomplished, she felt oddly lost. Because all she did in the past few years was just work, study, research, and all those unnecessary college crap.

Home. Library. School. Home. Same route for the last sixteen years. One goal to pursue. She had nothing else in mind except finding ways to escape the prison. Call it social expectations, the matrix, whatever. She didn’t care.

She simply wanted to be free.

[Excerpt from my book, “My Name is Pepper”]

Even when my conscious mind was strong enough to do so, my pride was too thick to accept being mocked, laughed at, and seen as someone smart but stupid for choosing a different life, for throwing her life away.

Like Leslie, who would rather live underneath her clutter than find herself in the outside world.

However, if she did, she didn’t need Alexander’s help or his coming to her. Generally, he didn’t need to exist because she had everything she needed in life. “My Name is Pepper” wouldn’t exist if she did. There won’t be a story at all.

But do you understand what I'm trying to say here?

This unconscious belief, this sickening fear buried beneath my gut—that I have nothing to show or that I was nothing—had left me stuck in a rut for a long time.

Had I not shown any will to heal, drawing the painful stories I’ve collected in my life from the inside out, I wouldn’t be able to experience the painful calmness and joyful tears writing stories and sharing them with you.

On using pain for art

When I began using these painful experiences as potent ingredients for “Dr. Clay” (click here if you want to read the completed first draft) in my conscious mind, I was up for wanting to develop better characters and write their stories with justice. 

However, during the process, I wasn’t prepared to experience the feelings, tingles, and sensations all over my body, as if they were meant to be felt and acknowledged as “normal.”

Of course, it wasn’t an easy choice for me (call me crazy), but for the sake of art and achieving perfection—the way the book I’ve “seen” and “known”—this must take place.

For example, I have to relive the darkest chapters of my life to draw Valon’s character and then apply those memories to the page. The same is true for Clay, wherein I have to be in touch with my old ‘Self’ when I was in denial of what was stirring beneath my skin.

To write Liz’s story, I have to relive those moments in which my survival relied on how I can overcome situations where life confronted me with unexpected situations, bringing with them the difficult lessons of abuse and power play in relationships. Same power play that took Agatha’s dreams and future as an adult.